


Maybe It Would

by realfakedoors



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: AU - Convictions and Captivity, Comedy, Drabble, Forgive Me, Gen, i wrote this in 30 mins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 06:28:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12315594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors
Summary: A one-shot set in the AU of Convictions & Captivity. Steven and friends go out for a night to try to take their mind off of Homeworld.





	Maybe It Would

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rosewitchx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosewitchx/gifts).



> Happy birthday to one of my loyal beloved readers, rosewitchx. Since I ruined your birthday with C&C feels, here is some quick kindness I wrote to make up for it.

Squinting at the brightness, it was a little unnerving to find falsely engineered lights brighter than the intensity of this planet’s sun – Homeworld was mostly dark, with light coming from the buildings rather than the galaxy.

Danburite found herself standing on a creaky wooden platform – she wasn’t sure why it creaked, but it did, and she sort of enjoyed changing the pressure of one foot from the next. Standing nearby, Blue Pearl opted to remain further from the velvet wall, but she was amused with the strange action and stranger sound. There were things about the archaic structures of this world that were innately comical, in that they were so antiquated.

To Pearl, it was nice, because she was far older than any of these man-made buildings, but comparatively she felt springy and new. A tiny swell of pride – and maybe… what was that, vanity, perhaps? – settled into her, but she steeled her face at the urge to smile. There wasn’t really anything to be happy about - conceit was the antithesis of her entire existence, so she squashed the emotion before it could grow.

Steven walked over after talking to a much larger man, larger than even his father, which made Danburite frown. What is it about humanity that inhibits their ability to mediate their diets? She frowned, wondering if her humans at the zoo were by default unnatural because they did not reflect the ways of their kind anymore.

“Dani? You’re… sure you want to do this??” Steven held his cheek nervously, obviously surprised by the amount of people starting to file in the lobby. He was surprised but pleased when Mr. Smiley suggested they come to his old comedy club for a reunion night – it was a special, open-mic night – and Danburite thought this was the perfect opportunity to measure her progress. While it was true she had quickly acquired an understanding for earthly comedy, these were humans and she was a gem…

Face blank, she nodded. “Yes. Thank you, Steven.”

Biting his tongue, Steven just made himself smile and offered her a hug in good luck. She smiled and accepted, patting his head and watching him as he ran over to Blue Pearl.

“And you’re sure you don’t want to join us? We’ll be sitting off to the side, and Pearl is here, if you wanna,” he said, tilting his head. She politely shook her head, preferring the darkness of this corner where she could watch untethered.

Nodding once, Steven said “Hmm,” and he set off to find the others.

After exiting into the main hallway, Steven found Garnet and Pearl looking dapper in well-fitting tuxedo-looking garb, reminding him of when he opened _Steven’s_ for one night. They both looked really pretty, practically glowing, which was a refreshing change, and they smiled when he turned the corner. Steven, not particularly keen on the spotlight tonight, opted for more casual clothes –his special pink shirt Connie had given him for his birthday last year, his normal jeans and real, respectable shoes.

Pearl looked so proud at that moment he thought she would cry, and she had to resist the urge to hug him unannounced – he was still jumpy, but getting better.

“You’re looking smart tonight, Steven.” Garnet said with a smirk.

“Oh,” Pearl turned around, peering into the lobby. “That reminds me, the Maheswaran’s will be here soon. Do you want to go help them find a seat?”

Nodding, Steven headed for the enterance, his stomach full of butterflies at the thought of finally having a… semi-normal day back. Was this a date? Did it count if their families were there? Maybe he could try to sneak into a two person table with her, which would probably be better…

The night progressed with ease as it came closer and closer to show time. Lapis and Peridot preferred to watch, amused by the thought of “live” entertainment compared to the ultimate glory that is Camp Pining Hearts, so they were excited to be audience members. Much to their collective surprise, Amethyst wasn’t interested in partaking in the show, but only because she would sooner died than miss the opportunity for a front row seat to the action. His dad, mercifully, directed the Maheshewarans to the bar to get everyone drinks, and Steven found himself alone with Connie.

She was pink and she was wearing a powdery blue dress, giving her the mystical appearance of cotton-candy, but only if cotton-candy was beautiful. Steven didn’t mean to, but he was staring at her as her eyes scanned the crowds.

“Wow, sure is a lot of people. And you said Dani is opening?”

Steven said nothing, too absorbed in the pretty sound of her voice.

“Uh, Steven, are you okay?” Waving a hand in his face, she blushed when he snapped back and turned red. With a rush of embarrassment, Connie realized he had been staring at her.

“S-sorry!” Steven quickly stammered out. Connie lowered her head bashfully and said nothing.

Biting his lip, he looked at their parents receiving their drinks and knew he was running out of time. He lowered his voice and leaned forward slightly.

“I’m sorry, Connie – I just, you look so, so pretty tonight. I couldn’t resist the chance to tell you before our parents came over, but I can’t stop looking at you.”

Turning the color of his shirt, Steven averted his eyes when Connie looked up at him, but to his relief, she was smiling and her cheeks turned a shocking shade of pink.

“Oh,” Steven’s dad said just as reach their table. “Looks like we’re just in time.”

The lights had gone down, and Mr. Smiley walked on from stage left.

“Welcome, friends, family, aliens, to our annual comedy club reunion special. Since it’s such an important night – can you believe it’s been 35 years since this joint opened? – we’re putting on a variety show of comedy, magic, drama, poetry, and anything else you can think of. I’m not the star of this show, though, it’s the performers… So let’s get to it. Can I get a round of applause for our first comedian…”

The small bar filled with feverous clapping, and Steven shot Amethyst a grin as they both tried to clap louder than the other – naturally, Amethyst won.

“ _Dannnnii!”_ Mr. Smiley walked off stage as the curtains opened, and Danburite stood there under the spot light blinking and shielding her eyes. The purple gem in the front whooped once when it fell silent.

“Go _Dans!_ ”

“Thank you, Amethyst.” She said clearly into the microphone, still squinting but her arms were now at her side.

Clearing her throat lightly, Dani began. “So, let me ask you humans, what is it about this planet that is so great?”

The room was a bit tense, but they waited quietly for her to continue.

“Is it the sun, the moon, the stars?” As always, her voice was even. Steven looked nervously at the Maheswarans, who were exchanging looks. They couldn’t tell if this was a part of the act.

“Well, it shouldn’t be, because your sun is dying, the stars are already burnt out by the time you see them, and what is with this _moon?_ ”

Hands gestured towards the ceiling, Dani bulldozed on despite there not being a peep of laughter in the room.

“I’ve been to planets where there are ten, _twenty_ moons. So if those aren’t special, but Earth is still _somehow_ special, then what is it?”

Rubbing her chin thoughtfully, everyone was now confused, and even Steven felt it too. Was Dani really just… lecturing? Riddling through some questions she had been wondering? He was really regretting not listening to her material first.

“It’s life, of course.” Dani started to nod.

“That’s the best part of this place – you can fall in a hole and die, but life is still great here.”

Now, there were a few chuckles, and Steven gulped down his water to alleviate his dry throat.

“You can’t drink your own ocean water, you eat poorly and exercise little, but you _somehow_ still enjoy it here.”

A few more chuckles, but this was a rocky start by all accounts.

“Let me tell you what I’ve learned about Earth,” she said, taking the microphone off and walking nearer to the edge.

“Earth is a place where females gather to go to the bathroom. _The bathroom._ I can’t imagine a less biologically beneficial place to gather than a bathroom.”

The laughter was picking up.

“And Earth _men_? They might as well be a separate species from the females.” That got a good roar of laughter from the women in the place.

Dani was nodding to herself, listing off her observations. “The human earth male does not, for example, vie for the love of or affection of the female. Indeed, they seem to prefer the love and affection of the ‘football’ or the ‘car’ or the ‘hamburger’.”

She was landing the jokes perfectly now, and even Steven was laughing.

“But the Earth female is not perfect. Not only do they hang out in a place designated for bodily functions, the group mentality goes further. There is a thermometer available to you humans practically all the time on your uPhones, but still, one says to the other, ‘is it cold in here, or is it just me?’”

Finally, she stops pacing and returns to the stand, returning the microphone to its holding place. The crowd seems to have caught up with Dani’s style of comedy. Which was, well… perfectly Dani.

“Now for two alien jokes.”

Many people in the crowd shifted uncomfortably, but waited patiently for her to continue.

“What do you call a cross between a Sapphire and a Ruby?”

Silence.

“Well, you call her _Garnet_ , of course.”

And just in time, Ruby and Sapphire walked out from behind the curtain, smiling and waving. There was shouts and jeers as the two fused back into a well-dressed Garnet, who bowed.

“Now, my final joke,” Dani bowed her head politely as people laughed and cheered. She smiled a small smile in gratitude and continued.

“What do you call a Diamond on Earth?”

Most of the humans weren’t getting these jokes, but they laughed along, entranced with the magic.

“ _Dead.”_

There was a stiff silence for a fraction of a second, the ones in the crowd who understood absolutely horrified – Dani seemed to understand the ‘shock’ factor associated with Earth comedy, that was for sure. But then the room erupted with laughter, starting with Amethyst cackling loudly, and Garnet covered her face with embarrassed but snickered lightly in spite of herself.  Steven and Connie’s met eyes, both went wide but eventually starting laughing too, disturbed and surprised that Danburite would even make sure a bold statement.

She bowed her head stiffly, taking off her visor with a smile as the place applauded her off stage. Standing next to the microphone, Garnet grabbed the stand and leaned over.

“Actually, this is perfect for the next act. What do you call…”

Pearl walked out and there were scattered cheers and applause.

“A cross between a Garnet and a Pearl?”

Steven’s eyes became stars – he didn’t know _this_ was what they had planned.

Tilting her head innocently to one side, Pearl looked at Garnet but spoke into the microphone. “What do you call that, Garnet?”

Smirking, Garnet took Pearls hands and twirled her around, dipping her lightly before throwing her airborne. Once she caught her, there were gasps and a stunned silence.

“Well you call her _Sardonyx,_ oh ho, oh ho ho.”

“Give it up for the lovely Danburite one more time, please, ladies and gentlemen," she said, barely fitting in the building. Sardonyx was hunched slightly but her energy was electric in the small space. "And, of course, to our one _gem_ -tlman.” She shot a wink at Steven.

For one night – just one night – things finally felt normal, and good, and he felt _free_.

Maybe, just maybe, it would be okay.

 


End file.
